What’s interesting about life is people don’t have any control of theirs as much as they say they do. God has a plan for us to either STAY or LEAVE. I’m always wondering why certain people outlive other people. My brother, Damien was killed in Trinidad by police officers. Which he didn’t even live a FULL life in my opinion. He died at 33. I found this news out from my dad the day before I left to go to Australia. So I left work early. I couldn’t be around people based on me being angry at what happened. It’s crazy how I had to sleep this off. I did my best to find out why did the police kill my oldest brother. So, I called mom and she was trying to find out what happened as well. She was already on the next flight to Trinidad. Very Surreal.
To be honest…
I couldn’t even enjoy Australia as much as I wanted to because I was thinking about Damien way too much. I wanted to be alone. Every night for about 8 days, I cried in my tent just thinking about my mom and my grandmother. Why? Because it was so SURREAL that I couldn’t believe that my oldest brother died. I didn’t even compose a single tweet on twitter for about 10 days maybe more. Everything was too much. What’s even more intriguing is being in Australia for 3 weeks would be considered as my LAST annual training for the Army. What made me cry even more is the fact that I listened to “Big Brother” by Kanye West over and over again. Yet it was still SURREAL because I lost my big brother. I reminisced about the seldom few times we’ve had in Trinidad.
One moment in particular….
Was a picture of me playing the Nintendo 64 when I was 10 (sorry if I told my age because of the video game lol) and he was focused on beating in Flying Dragon. Which I think never happened. But anyways, I wouldn’t see him often because he was always out on the weekends (when I visited my mother’s mom). So I can’t say I was close to him like that at all. My mom lost her OLDEST son, kind of hurts me because my mom is sad. Plus I know what he’s been through in life and the tribulations he went through in school. Which made me even cry more because I felt helpless when I first heard about him in ’98.
Emotions run deep..
I was also saddened of the fact that my dad and sister saw him more recently the last time we went to Trinidad in 2012, but I didn’t get a chance to because I overslept at my aunts house. And even then I was sad that I missed my opportunity of seeing both of my older brothers. Basically, I was very quiet for about 2 and a half weeks. Everything that I was thinking of (police related) made me more sad about Damien.
I had a conversation with a cop who was a lieutenant in the army about what happened between the murders of Alton Sterling (in Baton Rouge) and Philando Castille (in Minnesota). He told me he was “EXCITED” that he [Sterling] was shot in the chest close range SIX times. He also said the cop who shot CASTILLE was in the right of way because the cop thought he was gonna pull the gun on him (when we clearly saw eventually that wasn’t of the sort). I was distraught by his responses because he felt like Sterling was reaching for the gun when he was detained in which he WASNT trying to reach for the gun and Castille was warned to not “reach for the gun” after he clearly stated he’s “licensed to carry.”
I couldn’t believe he said that..
It was the MOST unnecessary conversation I’ve ever had with a human being; To the point where he compared Soldiers shooting people overseas because of them feeling threatened to unarmed people of color dying from law enforcement. Which is like comparing an apple to a block of cheese. NO CORRELATION.
Can’t Tell Me Nothing.
The lieutenant and I conversed (last year) made me even want to be MORE antisocial from anyone else in my unit in Australia. EVERYTHING regarding Damien; between the conversation I had and the memories I’ve wanted with him but didn’t get a chance to became Surreal Moment due to the fact the police in Trinidad killed my brother. Had that happened HERE..😐 nobody gonna tell me shit because I’m hating every single living being ever.
The “Police brutality” Mural
When I leave and arrive at my house, there’s a building with a mural in the middle of the block. The illustration has the names of the victims who died of police brutality (prior to 2006). Which again I come across that Surreal moment because I cross that building everyday. Now that my brother died by the hands and gun of the police (in a different area) I STILL cannot believe that he’s dead.
“I’m Here if you need me” LOL.
I’ve learned that people have shown me their true colors. It has shown me a lot of people said they’ll be “here for me.” Or “willing to keep an open ear” (while I was away) because of Damien’s death. I got back to the U.S not too long ago. I was asking for them. But, they were ghost. I’ll make it in life one day and it wouldn’t hurt me to say that “nobody gave me shit.” But no worries, I always wanted to become the villain because nobody respects you when you’re nice. They’ll hate me in other forms of nature. I plan on writing more blogs just to keep my mind off the travesty. 🤷🏾♂️
It’s been a month since Damien died. I still can’t believe it because it’s so SURREAL that he’s actually dead. So now when someone asks me how many siblings do I have, I’ll feel weird saying three only because
The hand now has 4 fingers.
(Don’t let that go over your heads).😶